Changes: Quotes

Revision as of 08:26, 3 July 2010

Friends is a sitcom about a group of friends in New York City that was originally broadcast from 1994 to 2004. It was created by David Crane and Marta Kauffman, and produced by Kevin S. Bright, Marta Kauffman and David Crane.

Season 1

The One Where It All Began [1.01]

Ross: Oh no, no. Stop cleansing my aura.
Phoebe: But...
Ross: No. Just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine... be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine. Really, you guys, I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [everyone looks at him] Did I say that out loud?

Rachel: [excited] Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed out of twelve interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: Well, you would be too if you found Joan and David boots on sale, fifty percent off.
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.

The One With The Sonogram At The End [1.02]

Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and — and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that — that... that's not... why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: Are we still talking about sex?

Rachel: You're a twin?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. We don't speak. She's, like, this...high-powered, driven, career type.
Chandler: What does she do?
Phoebe: She's a waitress.

The One With The Thumb [1.03]

Phoebe: There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
Chandler: Oh! Satan's minions at work again.
Phoebe: Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them.
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

[Phoebe finds something in her can of soda.]
Ross: A thumb?
Joey: Ewwww!
Phoebe: I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.
Chandler: Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

The One With George Stephanopoulos [1.04]

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.
Ross: Joey, omnipotent.
Joey: You are?

[Rachel opens her first paycheck.]
Rachel: Isn't this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally... not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money?
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Hmm?
Rachel: Who is George Snuffleupagus?
Phoebe: He's Big Bird's best friend. (laughs)

The One With The East German Laundry Detergent [1.05]

Ross: It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam! a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
Chandler: We can? All right, I'm trying that.

[Chandler and Phoebe both get ready to break up with their significant others.] Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies.

The One With The Butt [1.06]

[The gang watches Joey's performance in Freud!, a local musical.]
Joey: Well, Eva, we've done some excellent work here, and I would have to say, your problem is quiiite clear.
[singing]

All you want is a dingle,

What you envy's a schwang,

A thing through which you can tinkle,

To play with, or simply let hang!

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
Joey: I couldn't do it.
Monica: Good for you, Joey.
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

The One With The Blackout [1.07]

Phoebe: [singing]

New York City has no power

And the milk is getting sour

But to me it is not scary

'Cause I stay away from dairy.

Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.
[Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look.]
Chandler: Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

The One Where Nana Dies Twice [1.08]

Chandler: [after being told by everyone he makes a gay first impression] So... what is it about me?
Monica: I don't know....You...you have a quality.
Everyone: Yeah. Absolutely. A quality.
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality! Good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

[Ross' grandmother woke up from being "dead" and then died.]
Jack Geller: She may have died.
Aunt Lillian: She may have died?
Jack Geller: We're looking into it.

The One Where Underdog Gets Away [1.09]

Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Yeah, you know, you have to take a course, otherwise they don't let you do it.

Ross: [talks to the unborn baby in Carol's abdomen] And everyone's telling me, "You gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major." So on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills any more!

The One With The Monkey [1.10]

Phoebe: [singing]:

I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin'

How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen?

La lalala laaa la lala La lalala la la...

[Time Lapse, everyone is totally depressed by now]

My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes, are resting in a little yellow jar.

And sometimes, when it's breezy, I feel a little sneezy...

Rachel: So I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.
Phoebe: Yeah, you wish.

The One With Mrs. Bing [1.11]

[Rachel hands out copies of her steamy romance novel draft to the gang.]
Rachel: Oh, and — and on page 2, he's not reaching for her heaving beasts.
Monica: What's a niffle?
Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist…
Ross: Wait! Did you get to the part about "his huge, throbbing pens"? Well, yeah, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
Phoebe: I just got to the part about "her public hair."

Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
Ross: Uh... uh... Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend way too much time together.

The One With The Dozen Lasagnas [1.12]

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.
Joey: Hey! Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!
Ross:(waves) Hello!
Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)

Ross: Wasn't it supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be... flung by now?

The One With The Boobies [1.13]

Ross: Wait, what were you doing seeing her boobies?
Chandler: Look, it was an accident! It wasn't like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of doughnuts!

Ross: All right, all right. We're all adults here. There's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee.
Chandler: You know, I don't see that happening.
Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
Chandler: Well, I'm not showing you my tat.

Rachel: You are supposed to be in there so i can see your "thing"!!.
Chandler: Sorry. My "thing" was in there with me.

The One With The Candy Hearts [1.14]

Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush!

Janice: I brought you something.
Chandler: Is it loaded?

The One With The Stoned Guy [1.15]

Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
Ross: Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

The One With Two Parts, Part 1 [1.16]

Phoebe: [about why she and her twin sister Ursula don't get along] It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it, later that same day. But to my parents, by then it was like, "Yeah, right, so what else is new?"

[At the Lamaze class, mother-to-be Carol panics after seeing a videotaped birth.]
Ross: Everything's going to be all right.
Carol: What do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi! Is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?!?!"

The One With Two Parts, Part 2 [1.17]

Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler and Joey: That's nice.
Ross: No, no. With him. I'm on this field, and they... they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinking' they can take us.

Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
Ross: Do you have a point?
Chandler: You know, you'd think I would.

The One With All The Poker [1.18]

Rachel: Can you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.
Phoebe: Ha, ha, ha!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: "Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black."

[The gang is playing poker.]
Rachel: I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?
Ross: No, not this time. [he folds] So what'd you have?
Rachel: I'm not telling.
Ross: Come on, show them to me. [He reaches for her cards. Rachel covers them up]
Rachel: No!
Ross: Show them to me!
Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!
Ross: Let me see! Show them!
Chandler: You know, I've had dates like this.

Ross: Your money is mine, Green!
Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller!

Phoebe: You guys, Joker is Poker with a J! Coincidence?
Chandler:Hey, that's Joincidence with a C!

The One Where The Monkey Gets Away [1.19]

Joey: All right, all right. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?
Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to The Russian Tea Room.

Samantha: Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?
Samantha: Of course.
Joey: Oh. Then no.

The One With The Evil Orthodontist [1.20]

Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up.

Joey': Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...
Phoebe: You know he's gay?
Ross: I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut?

The One With The Fake Monica [1.21]

Rachel': Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
Monica: Still... it's just such reckless spending.
Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
Monica: That was me.

Joey: My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?

The One With The Ick Factor [1.22]

Ross': I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious.

Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
Rachel: No, forget it.
Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.
Joey: All right!
Ross: Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?
Rachel: No.
Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?
Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
Ross: Huh!
Joey: So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
Rachel [laughing]: You know what?
Joey [laughing]: What?
Rachel [laughing]: There were times when it wasn't even me.
[Chandler and Joey laugh until they look at each other]
Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

[after Chandler founds out that everyone at work hates him.]

Phoebe: Don´t feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you´re like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".
Chandler: I can´t believe it.
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.
Chandler: They do me?
Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report BE any later?' Chandler: I don´t sound like that.
Ross: Oh, oh Chandler...
Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do.
Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound.. OF music.'
Joey: [reaches for hi scones] My scones.
Phoebe, Joey & Ross: 'MY scones.'
Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again]
Chandler: Okay, I don´t sound like that. That is so not true.
[Joey and Chandler laughs]
Chandler: That is so NOT... That is so NOT... That... Oh, shut up!
[Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs]

The One With The Birth [1.23]

Phoebe: [singing]

They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,

Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.

Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why,

You cry and you cry and you cry.

And you cry and you cry and you cry...

[Ross gives Phoebe a dollar]
Phoebe: Thanks, Ross!
Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.

Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have a baby?
Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
Monica: Okay, "hypothetically", why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Uh... Uh....
Monica: What is it, is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well?
Chandler: Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack!

The One Where Rachel Finds Out [1.24]

[Joey tells the group about his participation in a fertility study.]
Joey: I mean, I just go down there every other day and… make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey — but at the end of two weeks, I get 700 dollars!
Phoebe: Wow! Ooh, you're going to be making money hand-over-fist!

[Chandler and Joey are talking like cavemen.]
Chandler: Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.

Season 2

The One With Ross' New Girlfriend [2.01]

[Ross and Julie have just arrived from China]
Julie: We've gotta get some sleep.
Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.
Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.

Joey: I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women.

Rachel: When I saw them at the airport, I thought I hit rock bottom, but today its like, rock bottom, 50 feet of crap and then me.

The One With The Breast Milk [2.02]

Chandler: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.

[Monica wants to hide from Rachel the fact that she went shopping with Julie, so she creates an alibi.]
Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me and we were shopping all day.
Phoebe: What?
Monica: We were shopping and we had lunch.
Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?
Monica: You had a salad.
Phoebe: Oh. No wonder I don't feel full.
Rachel: [enters] Hey, guys. What's up?
Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day and I had a salad.
Rachel: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
Phoebe: Umm, we went shopping for, umm, for... fur.
Rachel: You went shopping for fur?
Phoebe: Yes... [realizes what she said] And then I realized I'm against that... and, uh, so then we bought some... [Monica is pointing at her chest behind Rachel's back] uhh, boobs.
Rachel: You bought boobs?
[Monica is yanking on her bra strap behind Rachel's back.]
Phoebe: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.

The One Where Heckles Dies [2.03]

Ross: Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Oh, okay — don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know. Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[They hear a knock at the door.]
Chandler: Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick, Pheebs, up on the ceiling!

Rachel: [to Chandler] You're not gonna end up alone.
Phoebe: Chandler, you called Janice That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
Monica: You made it!
Phoebe: You're there!
Rachel: You are ready to make a commitment!
Chandler: Whoa! Don't know about that.

The One With Phoebe's Husband [2.04]

Phoebe: You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica, who has just told everyone the big secret] You bitch.
Ross: Whip it out, whip it out!
Chandler: Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!
Rachel: Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

[Everyone is watching Joey's porno movie.]
Julie: So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.
Chandler: Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
Monica: All I say is, she better get the job.
Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

The One With Five Steaks And An Eggplant [2.05]'

Ross': Why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?

Chandler: Oh. See, I had to tell her that your number was my number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number!
Ross: Hey, tell me again what I do when Mr. Roper calls?

[Ross, Chandler and Monica bought tickets for Hootie and the Blowfish concert for themselves and the others.]
Phoebe: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
Rachel: Me neither.
Joey: Me, too.
Monica: Guys, we bought the tickets.
Phoebe: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff. Chandler: Why did you look at me when you said that?

The One With The Baby On The Bus [2.06]

Phoebe: [singing]

I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song.

Stop me if you've heard it.

My skin is soapy and my hair is wet,

and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.

[Joey and Chandler are babysitting Ben.]
Joey: It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.
Caroline: Hello.
Joey and Chandler: Hello.
Caroline: And who is this little cutie-pie?
Chandler: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me? Joey: You wanna smell him?
Caroline: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

Joey: Let's do ducks for heads, cuz ducks have heads
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

The One Where Ross Finds Out [2.07]

Monica: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. You wanna work out? I can remake you.
Chandler: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying-around time.

Ross: You're over me? When were you... under me?

The One With The List [2.07]

Chandler: All right, check out this bad boy. Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS.

Phoebe: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

Chandler: Games and stuff.

The One With Phoebe's Dad [2.08]

Chandler: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

[The gang is decorating the Christmas tree]
Chandler: I remember my father dressed in the red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt, sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anybody see him, but he'd be drunk, so he'd stumble, crash into something, and wake everybody up.
Rachel: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas?

[The gang is exchanging Christmas gifts]
Chandler: Ok, I guess that just leaves the gifts from Joey and Chandler.

The One With Russ [2.10]

[Joey has just gotten a terrible review of his acting in a play.]
Joey: I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
Ross: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.
Joey: No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."

Joey: My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
Chandler: Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.

The One With The Lesbian Wedding [2.11]

Sandra Green:[looks out the window] Oh my God, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.
Rachel: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

Sandra Green: Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls! Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
Rachel: [Shocked] God!
Monica: All right, look. Nobody is smoking any pot around all this food!
Sandra Green: Well, that's fine. I never did it, I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

The One After The Superbowl, Part 1 [2.12]

Rob: Maybe if you just played some... regular kiddie songs?
Phoebe: No. What do you, what do you want me to be — like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
Rob: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
Phoebe: Who's Barney?

Ross: This is so exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year!
Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower?

The One After The Superbowl, Part 2 [2.13]

Susie': Excuse me. Is your name Chandler?
Chandler: Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

[Rachel and Monica see Jean-Claude Van Damme on the set and Monica is smitten.]'
' Rachel: So why don't you go talk to him?
Monica: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah!
Rachel: What? So you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?
Monica: He could hear me!

The One With The Prom Video [2.14]

Phoebe: It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws...

'[The gang observes a video of a young, overweight Monica getting ready for prom.]
Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
Monica: Shut up! The camera adds ten pounds!
Chandler: Oh. So how many cameras are actually on you?

The One Where Ross And Rachel...You Know [2.15]

Ross: You have a date? Who with?
Monica: No one.
Ross: C'mon, what's his name?
Monica: Nothing.
Ross: Come on, tell me.
Monica: All right, but I'm very excited about this, okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
Ross: Oh, I promise. What?
Monica: It's Richard Burke.
Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to Dad.

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No, no, no, no, Homo Habilis was erect; Homo Austrapalithicus was NEVER fully erect.
Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous.

The One Where Joey Moves Out [2.16]

Phoebe: Is this how it's going to work? Ross equals boss? What is this? 1922?
Rachel: What's with 1922?
Phoebe: Just... a really long time ago, when men used to tell women what do to a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing, but it sounds horrible.

[Phoebe and Rachel went to get tattoos. Phoebe chickened out.]
Rachel: Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea!
Phoebe: I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and d—did you know they do this with needles?
Rachel: Really! You don't say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!

The One Where Eddie Moves In [2.17]

[Phoebe got a call from a producer.]
Phoebe: You are not gonna believe this: I have just been discovered!
Chandler: Now, wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago!

[Joey stops over at Chandler and Eddie's during breakfast to pick up his mail.]
Joey All right, that's it! He just comes in here, "Johnny New Eggs," with his moving the mail and his "See ya, pals!" [imitates Eddie's salute] And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who want the juice and need the juice. I need the juice!

The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies [2.18]

[Chandler and his roommate Eddie are talking about their ex-girlfriends.]
Eddie: So who broke up with who?
Chandler: I broke up with her. She actually thought Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia!
Eddie: Yeah! 'Cause everybody knows that the capital of Cambodia...
Chandler: is...not Sean Penn!

The One Where Eddie Won't Go [2.19]

[Rachel is upset that Ross is telling her about stealing her wind.]
Rachel: This isn't about the movie theater. This is about you stealing my wind.
Ross: Excuse me — your wind?
Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
Ross: You know, um... I don't have a... have a... problem with that.

Joey: Hey, Gunther. Let me get a lemonade to go.
Gunther: Lemonade? You okay, man?

The One Where Old Yeller Dies [2.20]

[Monica serves Chandler and Joey some leftover chicken.]
Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

Chandler: Richard's really nice and everything. Uh... It's just that we don't know him really well, you know, and plus, he's, you know... old—
[Monica glares at Chandler.]
Chandler: —er than some people. But, uh, younger... than some buildings!

The One With The Bullies [2.21]

Rachel: Okay, Joey, the dog will lick himself but will not touch your sandwich. What does that tell you?

Joey [to Ross]: Haven't you ever gotten beat up before?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: I mean, by someone besides Monica.
Ross: No.

The One With The Two Parties [2.22]

[Joey stares at Monica's fake breasts.]
Monica: Joey, they're not real.
Joey: ...Uh, what?
Monica: Mine start miles beneath the surface. See. [squeezes one twice] HONK HONK.
Chandler: Wow, it's like porno for clowns.

Chandler: Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party.
Joey: Quick volleyball question.
Chandler: Volleyball?
Joey: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that gray lamp, did you?
Chandler: Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.

The One With The Chicken Pox [2.23]

[Phoebe arrives to tell the gang about her submariner boyfriend.]
Phoebe: He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together.
Rachel: So, wait — this guy goes down for, like, two years at a time?
[Chandler, mouth full, groans in frustration.]
Monica: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.
[Chandler, mouth full, groans in frustration again.]

Phoebe: We didn't do any of the romantic things I'd planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and, you know, coffee at Central Perk... Oh! I just got that!

The One With Barry And Mindy's Wedding [2.24]

[Mindy's maid-of-honor Rachel appears in a poofy pink dress.]
Rachel: I can't believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you "drink" when you're "nauseous"!

[Rachel enters in her maid-of-honor dress and huge pink hat.]
Chandler: I'm sorry — we don't have your sheep.

Season 3

The One With The Princess Leia Fantasy [3.01]

Rachel: No way! The most romantic song ever was The Way We Were.
Phoebe: Uh, see, I... I think the one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on "Who's the Boss?"
 Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs? 
Phoebe: Um, Hold Me Close, Young Tony Danza.

[Joey can't believe Chandler is dating Janice again.]
Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?
Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!
Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna... pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.
Chandler: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way, there is no "Count Rushmore"!
Joey: Oh, yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

The One Where No One's Ready [3.02]

[Monica, not yet dressed for Ross's event, arrives shortly before they need to leave.]
Ross: It starts at eight. We can't be late.
Phoebe: We could not, would not, want to wait!

Ross: How can you not be going? Rachel: Well, I'm not gonna go... so I think that will accomplish the not going.
Joey: Hey, I'm Chandler. Could I be wearing any more clothes?

The One with the Jam [3.03]

Monica [gives Joey a jar of jam]: Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry currant.
Joey: Aww. [tastes it] OHHHH!
Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked [holds up one hand], or, or a big tub of jam. [holds up the other hand]
Joey: [nods] Put your hands together!

Rachel: What happened to your jam plan? Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now... Babies.
Chandler: Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.
Ross: What are you talking about?
Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.
Ross: What?
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Ross: Well, aren't you forgettin' something? What, what, what is, uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel [3.04]

Monica: Don't do that guy thing where you go all distant and mean, just so that WE'LL break up with you.
Joey: You know about that?

Joey: Jump off the high dive, stare into the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler: Joey, I assure you, if I were staring into the barrel of a gun, I would be pretty much peeing every which-way.

The One with Frank Jr. [3.05]

[Chandler enters the apartment to find Joey working with wood and the apartment filled with lumber.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey, hey, hey... so what happened — did a forest tick you off?
Joey: You know how you're always saying we need a place for the mail?
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Well, I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler: You're building a post office?

[While Chandler naps against the wall in his room, Joey is drilling though the wall. As he drills, the drill bit comes though the wall right next to Chandler, who slams the door at Joey.]
Joey: Oh! Uh, sorry, did I get ya?
Chandler: NO, YOU DIDN'T GET ME!! IT'S AN ELECTRIC DRILL! YOU GET ME, YOU KILL ME!

The One with the Flashback [3.06]

[Janice asks the six Friends if they have ever had sex with each other.]
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go?

Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.
Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. "Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing, BING!"
Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone "Chandler Bing," he said "Whoa, short message."

The One with the Race Car Bed [3.07]

Ross: When you guys were kids, and played, uh, "Happy Days," who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanie!
Joey: Question. Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers!" the war cry of your neighborhood?

Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like cheating on Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices!

The One with the Giant Poking Device [3.08]

Joey: If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, homo sapiens, is that why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey, Homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey, hey, I'm not judging!

[The gang is trying to see if Ugly Naked Guy is alive by using a "poking device."]
Phoebe: He's alive! ALIVE!
Monica: And yet we're still poking him.
Joey: Retract the device! Retract the device!
Ross: He does not look happy.
Rachel: And now he's showing us his poking device.
Joey: [to Ugly Naked Guy] Hey, that's never gonna reach all the way over here, buddy!

The One with the Football [3.09]

[The gang decides to play touch football.]

Joey: All right! We have to pick captains.

Chandler: And then Tennilles.

Chandler: Hold on a second, Joe. Where do Dutch people come from?

Joey: Ah, well, the, uh, Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.

Chandler: And the, uh, other Dutch people? They come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?

Joey: Nice try! See, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

Monica: [singing and dancing] Forty-two to twenty-one, like the turkey, Ross is done!

The One Where Rachel Quits [3.10]

[Ross is selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: So, how many boxes did you sell?
Ross: 517.
Chandler: Wow.
Ross: Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude!!"

The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister [3.11]

[After Chandler fools around with one of Joey's sisters.]
Phoebe: How can you not know which one?
Rachel: I mean, that’s unbelievable.
Monice: I mean, was it Gina?
Ross: Which one is Gina?
Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.
Monica: No, no, no, that’s Dina.
Chandler: You see, you can’t tell which one is which either!

Chandler: Veronica. Look, it’s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
Monica: That was me.

The One with All the Jealousy [3.12]

Joey: Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical.
Chandler: I want to say you, but that seems like such an easy answer.
Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of "Tale of Two Cities." So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York", and uh, oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."
Ross: Ah, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
Joey: What?
Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.
Joey: Who?
Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.
Joey: The what?
Chandler: The abridgment.
Joey: Oh, okay. [to Ross] The what?

The One Where Monica & Richard Are Friends [3.13]

[Monica is returning a video.]
Clerk: Six dollars, please.
Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It's three.
Clerk: Eight o'clock is the cut-off and — aww, it's 8:02.
Monica: You know, in a weird way, you have too much power.

[Richard shaved his moustache.]
Monica: Your lip went bald!

The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner [3.14]

Phoebe: [singing]

Jingle Bitch screwed me over!

Go to hell, Jingle Whore!

Go to hell, go to hell,

Go to hell...

[Leslie finishes a song and everybody claps.]
Phoebe: See, see, everyone else is happy she's done.
Leslie: Okay, my next song's called:

Phoebe Buffay, what can I say?

I really love when we were singing partners

And I shouldn't have left you that way.

Phoebe: Oh, no: one of those look-for-the-hidden-meaning songs.

The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break [3.15]

[During Rachel's phone call, Ross loudly grinds pepper. Then his picnic basket catches fire from a candle.]
Rachel: Excuse me — I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call you back. I've got Shemp in my office.

[Monica and Phoebe are on a double date with UN Diplomat Sergei and his translator.]
Monica: I speak a little French too. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
[The translator shrugs and blushes.]
Monica: What did I say?
Translator: You just asked me whether I wanted to go to bed with you tonight!

The One with the Morning After [3.16]

Joey: Do you think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well, I've been walking the same way since high school. You know how some people walk in a room and everybody takes notice? I think I need a "take-notice" walk!
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

Chandler: All right, look. If you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

The One Without the Ski Trip [3.17]

Phoebe: Oh, my God! This is like 60 Minutes, when at first you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then, you know, you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.

Joey: It's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.
Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.

Monica: What's "PLEH"?
Joey: That’s "HELP" spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air!
Monica: Ok, What’s "DOOFUS" spelled backwards?

The One with the Hypnosis Tape [3.18]

Monica: Don't you think he's a little young to get married?
Phoebe: What? He's 18.
Ross: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or — or to get a hooker.
Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.

[Joey and Ross are trying to talk Frank Jr. out of marrying his teacher Alice.]
Joey: You're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's going to be 88!
Frank Jr.: You don't think I know that?

The One With The Tiny T-Shirt [3.19]

Ross: [spying on Rachel and Mark through the peephole in Chandler and Joey's door] Here they come, here they come. If she kisses him goodnight, I’m gonna kill myself, I swear. I can’t watch this. Come on! Date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go. She's going in. She’s going in... Wait! He’s going in! He’s going in! The door's closed! I can’t see anything with the door closed!
Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Chandler: You slept with someone three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower.

Chandler: [on Ross' back trying to stop him from going over to Rachel's while hanging on to the foosball table] You are surprisingly strong!

The One with the Dollhouse [3.20]

[Phoebe plays with a toy dinosaur while making barking sounds.]
Ross: Uh, Phoebe, while we're on the subject, dinosaurs don't go "Ruff!"
Phoebe: The little ones do.

The One with a Chick and a Duck [3.21]

Phoebe: You guys, do you know anything about chicks?
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women?... No.

Chandler: Does anyone know how to take a chick out of a VCR?

The One with the Screamer [3.22]

[A bedraggled Phoebe misses Joey's play, having spent all night on the phone while kept on hold by customer service.]
Joey: Hey, Pheebs — where were ya?
Phoebe: I'm so, so sorry, Joey. I am definitely going to see your play. I swear, your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.

Tommy: [petting a chick in his hand] Mr. Fuzzy Man, how you doin'? Aww... [The chick poos in his hand.] Ew! Oh, ew! Gross! IDIOT! STUPID LITTLE FUZZY YELLOW CREATURE! Ooh, look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's DISGUSTING! God, you're so stupid, how are you not yet extinct?
[The duck, hearing all the commotion, waddles into the kitchen and starts quacking.]
Tommy: Quack quack, quack quack! What are you quacking about? DUMB DONALD DODO!
[Tommy looks up to see the gang in the doorway, staring at him in shock.]
Chandler: Step away from the duck.

The One with Ross's Thing [3.23]

Monica: I gotta go water Pete's plants. You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.
Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants, if you know what I mean.
Joey: Or — ha, ha! — we could go over there and pee on them!

Phoebe: [Talking about her fireman boyfriend] He even showed me charcoal drawings he drew of me. Well, he'd prefer watercolors — but, you know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion [3.24]

Ross: [Watching the fight on TV where Pete gets injured and talking to Monica] This is ironic. Out of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn't want to have kids, and from the looks of it now Pete can't!

The One at the Beach [3.25]

Rachel: I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you.
Ross: You still love me?
Rachel: ...No.

Chandler: [referring to Rachel's oversized sombrero hat] Wait a minute, I know that hat. I was taken aboard that hat. They did experiments on me! I can't have children!

Chandler: [looking at a picture] Me and Frank and Phoebe, graduation, 1965.
Phoebe: You know what that means?
Joey: That you're actually 50?
Phoebe: No, no that's not me Phoebe, that's her pal, Phoebe according to their High School yearbook, they were like BFF's.
[everyone looks at her confused]
Phoebe: Best friends forever.
Everybody: Oh.

Rachel: [in the rain, with Joey and Monica under Rachel's oversized sombrero hat] Now everybody wants to be under the hat!

Bonnie: What are you guys doing?
Joey: [naked] We're playing strip Happy Days game.
Bonnie: Cool! I'll catch up! [takes off her sweater]

@@ Line 958: / Line 958: @@
 '''Monica''': What's "PLEH"?<br />
-'''Joey''': That’s "HELP" spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air!
+'''Joey''': That’s "HELP" spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air!<br />
 '''Monica''': Ok, What’s "DOOFUS" spelled backwards?<br />